Vik Makes New Credit Card Work for Everyone

Don't worry. The rumors you've heard about us not having the money to make Vik's Bailout Payback Plan work are a bunch of horsesh*t.

Vik came up with a brand new marketing campaign for our New Economy Card that should get the ball rolling.

And, just to make you feel better, Vik is going to give every single one of the employees we lay off this holiday season (to pay for bonuses and bailout payback, of course) will get their on special edition New Economy Card with a credit limit based on their last full year with BdP.

Good ole Vik, generous hearted as he is, is also going to give them a special interest rate for the first year they have the card. He's going to knock a full POINT FIVE PERCENT of the interest we charge everybody else.

What can you possibly call that besides Big Hearted?

Help the people the government forced us to let go (with their stupid bonus limitations, and expectations that banks actually PAY BACK the bailout money) by getting YOUR New Economy Card TODAY!

Vik's Bailout Payback Plan

After shouting "Nobody's got a right to tell me I can't have a f*cking bonus", Banco de Puerco Chairman and CEO Vik Torino announced plans to return over $20 billion in bailout money to the U.S. Treasury.

"I've got a boat payment coming due," Torino told The Journal this morning. "And these damned government guys won't let me collect my bonuses until after this crap is paid back. Anybody who thinks I'm going to let this boat go is full of horsesh*t. I've got nearly $15 million sunk into her already."

When asked if BdP actually had the cash to both pay back the bailout money and buy back the BdP shares currently owned by the Treasury, Torino first kept silent and waved a hand at reporters.

He stepped back to the microphone after consulting with members of his staff.
"Hell no, we don't have it. Don't you idiots in the media know that the economy is in the toilet? We're going to do what everybody else does. We're going to borrow most of it, about $51 billion, and make up the rest in other ways."

Torino hedged at a number of "What other ways?" questions from reporters, then left the podium.

After a few minutes pandemonium from the assembled audience, a BdP senior executive, who asked not to be named in this article, fielded questions.

"We've got over 325,000 employees, which Mr. Torino believes are WAY-Y-Y more than we need, so we're going to cut enough of them to raise the balance."

"How many?" a reporter from the Boulder-Springs Journal asked.

"Let me see. Ummmm... six take away... hmmmm... carry the 5... Oh, I'd say about 75,000. Thank you. That's all the time I have."