Vik Makes New Credit Card Work for Everyone

Don't worry. The rumors you've heard about us not having the money to make Vik's Bailout Payback Plan work are a bunch of horsesh*t.

Vik came up with a brand new marketing campaign for our New Economy Card that should get the ball rolling.

And, just to make you feel better, Vik is going to give every single one of the employees we lay off this holiday season (to pay for bonuses and bailout payback, of course) will get their on special edition New Economy Card with a credit limit based on their last full year with BdP.

Good ole Vik, generous hearted as he is, is also going to give them a special interest rate for the first year they have the card. He's going to knock a full POINT FIVE PERCENT of the interest we charge everybody else.

What can you possibly call that besides Big Hearted?

Help the people the government forced us to let go (with their stupid bonus limitations, and expectations that banks actually PAY BACK the bailout money) by getting YOUR New Economy Card TODAY!

Vik's Bailout Payback Plan

After shouting "Nobody's got a right to tell me I can't have a f*cking bonus", Banco de Puerco Chairman and CEO Vik Torino announced plans to return over $20 billion in bailout money to the U.S. Treasury.

"I've got a boat payment coming due," Torino told The Journal this morning. "And these damned government guys won't let me collect my bonuses until after this crap is paid back. Anybody who thinks I'm going to let this boat go is full of horsesh*t. I've got nearly $15 million sunk into her already."

When asked if BdP actually had the cash to both pay back the bailout money and buy back the BdP shares currently owned by the Treasury, Torino first kept silent and waved a hand at reporters.

He stepped back to the microphone after consulting with members of his staff.
"Hell no, we don't have it. Don't you idiots in the media know that the economy is in the toilet? We're going to do what everybody else does. We're going to borrow most of it, about $51 billion, and make up the rest in other ways."

Torino hedged at a number of "What other ways?" questions from reporters, then left the podium.

After a few minutes pandemonium from the assembled audience, a BdP senior executive, who asked not to be named in this article, fielded questions.

"We've got over 325,000 employees, which Mr. Torino believes are WAY-Y-Y more than we need, so we're going to cut enough of them to raise the balance."

"How many?" a reporter from the Boulder-Springs Journal asked.

"Let me see. Ummmm... six take away... hmmmm... carry the 5... Oh, I'd say about 75,000. Thank you. That's all the time I have."

Why we have this freakin' blog

Every since we took that little piece of the action from the Feds--why the hell not, everyone else is?--we've been getting hammered in the press (who are supposed to be the freak on OUR side). Since we can't get THEM to tell our version of the story Chairman Vik asked us to set this up to handle the communication ourselves.

Come here for the real truth (or at least OUR truth) on the banking and finance industry.

Vik Responds to Detractors

Our chairman and CEO, Vik, BlackBerried us from his 16,000 s.f. chateau (the one he calls Number 12) in Winnepeg last night. He wanted to respond to questions about the new jet.

Question 1, from somebody at the Times (traitor): How can you justify spending taxpayer dollars on a corporate jet?
Vik: "You gotta be kidding me! I'm a taxpayer, some of the time anyway, you wouldn't believe the sales tax I pay on freakin' shoes every year. Besides, they gave the money to me that makes it mine! To do whatever I want with. Screw'em if they don't like it. What are they gonna do? Regulate me?"

Question 2, from a reporter somewhere in freakin' Colorado (as if that matters): How can you spend American tax dollars on a French jet?
Vik: "The same reason I don't drive a car made in Detroit. You know where American jets are made? Kansas! Kansas is freakin' flyover country's flyover country. French, that's cool. French wine, French women. Forget about French song, though. I'm not going there."

Vik Cranks Up His New Jet

Our chairman, Vik, got a heck of a surprise this morning. The French executive jet he ordered a couple of years ago showed up this morning on our private air strip in Long Island. (Don't tell Cessna or Raytheon that our new jet is French.)

50 large (thats $50 million to those of you in flyover country). Had to be cash on delivery, our credit sucks since last October. Good thing we've got that 75 jumbo ($75 billion to the hicks) from the nice guys down in D.C.

Boy, did that $1.77 mil we spent on lobbyists last quarter pay off or what?

Anyway, we thought for about a millisecond on cancelling the deal but we would have had to pay a penalty. We sure wouldn't want a couple mil of taxpayer money to go for nothing now, would we?

After the jet showed up, Vik took the rest of the day off. He flew up to Winnepeg where his girlfriend can drink at 18.

Come back tomorrow. He might have brought us a good story.

BTW (that's by the way to you flyover hicks) Steve Forbes can shove it for telling all of America that we don't have a clue on the Early Show this morning.