Friday, April 13, 2012

Vik is OUT! Announces Deriviatives 2.0

We're excited to announce, close to tax day, that our beloved Chairman and CEO Vik Torino is no longer a guest of the Federal Department of Corrections! It's been a long time since I (your SpokesBabe) have had much to do.

Vic has obviously been doing a lot of thinking while he was on, um, hiatus, since he came back with a 1,250 page "Recovery Manifesto" titled Derivatives 2.0 - Fountains of Fees! I'm obviously not going to include the whole thing, bug I thought you might like some of the juicier parts.

From page 26 - "The f*****g Feds don't f*****g understand that we have to eat too, just like everybody else... well, hopefully our f*****g food is a lot better than everybody else's but you get my drift."

From page 279 - "So I figured we'll get around all of that b******t by creating a whole new f*****g batch of f*****g fees. Fees for everything, fees on top of fees, fees for processing fees, fees for talking about fees. You get my drift."

From page 1073 - "Yeah, the c*********g Feds tell us that we have to communicate all of these new fees and give people a way to opt out of them. Well here at BdP, I'll tell you how we OPT F*****G OUT. You have to M***********G DIE!. We'll put it in print so small that the f*****g Hubble can't see it and require three separate and distinct steps to opt out of anything. (See details on pages 1181-1209 of Appendix Q)

Well, it's obvious that Vik, in addition to having a lot of thinking time, learned some very colorful (colourful to all of you BwG stockholders) language from his new convict friends (many of whom have BdP executive jobs starting next Monday.)

SeeYa and CYA!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Vik Makes New Credit Card Work for Everyone

Don't worry. The rumors you've heard about us not having the money to make Vik's Bailout Payback Plan work are a bunch of horsesh*t.

Vik came up with a brand new marketing campaign for our New Economy Card that should get the ball rolling.

And, just to make you feel better, Vik is going to give every single one of the employees we lay off this holiday season (to pay for bonuses and bailout payback, of course) will get their on special edition New Economy Card with a credit limit based on their last full year with BdP.

Good ole Vik, generous hearted as he is, is also going to give them a special interest rate for the first year they have the card. He's going to knock a full POINT FIVE PERCENT of the interest we charge everybody else.

What can you possibly call that besides Big Hearted?

Help the people the government forced us to let go (with their stupid bonus limitations, and expectations that banks actually PAY BACK the bailout money) by getting YOUR New Economy Card TODAY!

Vik's Bailout Payback Plan

After shouting "Nobody's got a right to tell me I can't have a f*cking bonus", Banco de Puerco Chairman and CEO Vik Torino announced plans to return over $20 billion in bailout money to the U.S. Treasury.

"I've got a boat payment coming due," Torino told The Journal this morning. "And these damned government guys won't let me collect my bonuses until after this crap is paid back. Anybody who thinks I'm going to let this boat go is full of horsesh*t. I've got nearly $15 million sunk into her already."

When asked if BdP actually had the cash to both pay back the bailout money and buy back the BdP shares currently owned by the Treasury, Torino first kept silent and waved a hand at reporters.

He stepped back to the microphone after consulting with members of his staff.
"Hell no, we don't have it. Don't you idiots in the media know that the economy is in the toilet? We're going to do what everybody else does. We're going to borrow most of it, about $51 billion, and make up the rest in other ways."

Torino hedged at a number of "What other ways?" questions from reporters, then left the podium.

After a few minutes pandemonium from the assembled audience, a BdP senior executive, who asked not to be named in this article, fielded questions.

"We've got over 325,000 employees, which Mr. Torino believes are WAY-Y-Y more than we need, so we're going to cut enough of them to raise the balance."

"How many?" a reporter from the Boulder-Springs Journal asked.

"Let me see. Ummmm... six take away... hmmmm... carry the 5... Oh, I'd say about 75,000. Thank you. That's all the time I have."

Saturday, October 10, 2009

The NewEconomy Card!

Credit lines tapped out?

Banco de Puerco is excited to announce the BdP NewEconomy Card, a credit card designed for the new economic world we live in!

Don't worry about maxing out! We don't assign limits for the NewEconomy Card. Buy whatever the hell you want, when you want it.

Don't worry about payments! We have people who will visit you, if necessary, and provide friendly reminders.

Don't worry about us! (and our hard-earned bonuses) The economy-neutral APR on the NewEconomy Card will assure that we'll make money no matter what happens. If we don't get it from you, we'll get it from your kids, your grandkids, your freakin' cat Eloise. Whatever it takes.

Take a peak at part of our NewEconomy Card ad campaign!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

BdP Speaks Out on Neall's Treason Bill

New York. Banco de Puerco will register vehement opposition to Colorado Senator Dooley Neall's bill to equate fiscal abuse to treason. We ask that all of our colleagues in the banking and financial industries do the same to ensure that a couple of minor misplacements of bailout funds don't become some kind of national crime.

Our Chairman and CEO, Vik Torino, speaking today at a financial luncheon in lower Manhattan, said, "Who the hell does Neall think he is? We're bankers. We move f**king money. Sometimes a little gets dropped in a pocket or two on the way around. Who gives a sh*t what this hayseed flyover country freak has to say?"

We urge everyone in our industry to move against this legislation as quickly as possible.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Vik Angry About New Credit Card Legislation

Vik Torino, Chairman and CEO of Banco De Puerco, lashed out this morning at the pending legislation to amend the Credit Card Holder's Bill of Rights to limit interest charges to 18%.

"Eighteen percent!" Torino screamed at reporters this morning. "What the hell are we all supposed to live on here? Have you ever tried paying the f**cking property taxes on sixteen houses?"

Thinking the podium microphone was off, Torino turned to one of his bevy of attorneys and muttered, "What the hell good does it do us to buy these f**king Congressmen any more? They don't do a f**king thing for us!"

Realizing the error, he turned to the reporter's gallery and said, "Excuse me. I've got to use the head. This sh*t is making me want to puke."

Monday, March 23, 2009

Why we have this freakin' blog

Every since we took that little piece of the action from the Feds--why the hell not, everyone else is?--we've been getting hammered in the press (who are supposed to be the freak on OUR side). Since we can't get THEM to tell our version of the story Chairman Vik asked us to set this up to handle the communication ourselves.

Come here for the real truth (or at least OUR truth) on the banking and finance industry.