Vik's Bailout Payback Plan

After shouting "Nobody's got a right to tell me I can't have a f*cking bonus", Banco de Puerco Chairman and CEO Vik Torino announced plans to return over $20 billion in bailout money to the U.S. Treasury.

"I've got a boat payment coming due," Torino told The Journal this morning. "And these damned government guys won't let me collect my bonuses until after this crap is paid back. Anybody who thinks I'm going to let this boat go is full of horsesh*t. I've got nearly $15 million sunk into her already."

When asked if BdP actually had the cash to both pay back the bailout money and buy back the BdP shares currently owned by the Treasury, Torino first kept silent and waved a hand at reporters.

He stepped back to the microphone after consulting with members of his staff.
"Hell no, we don't have it. Don't you idiots in the media know that the economy is in the toilet? We're going to do what everybody else does. We're going to borrow most of it, about $51 billion, and make up the rest in other ways."

Torino hedged at a number of "What other ways?" questions from reporters, then left the podium.

After a few minutes pandemonium from the assembled audience, a BdP senior executive, who asked not to be named in this article, fielded questions.

"We've got over 325,000 employees, which Mr. Torino believes are WAY-Y-Y more than we need, so we're going to cut enough of them to raise the balance."

"How many?" a reporter from the Boulder-Springs Journal asked.

"Let me see. Ummmm... six take away... hmmmm... carry the 5... Oh, I'd say about 75,000. Thank you. That's all the time I have."

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Credit lines tapped out?

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BdP Speaks Out on Neall's Treason Bill

New York. Banco de Puerco will register vehement opposition to Colorado Senator Dooley Neall's bill to equate fiscal abuse to treason. We ask that all of our colleagues in the banking and financial industries do the same to ensure that a couple of minor misplacements of bailout funds don't become some kind of national crime.

Our Chairman and CEO, Vik Torino, speaking today at a financial luncheon in lower Manhattan, said, "Who the hell does Neall think he is? We're bankers. We move f**king money. Sometimes a little gets dropped in a pocket or two on the way around. Who gives a sh*t what this hayseed flyover country freak has to say?"

We urge everyone in our industry to move against this legislation as quickly as possible.

Vik Angry About New Credit Card Legislation

Vik Torino, Chairman and CEO of Banco De Puerco, lashed out this morning at the pending legislation to amend the Credit Card Holder's Bill of Rights to limit interest charges to 18%.

"Eighteen percent!" Torino screamed at reporters this morning. "What the hell are we all supposed to live on here? Have you ever tried paying the f**cking property taxes on sixteen houses?"

Thinking the podium microphone was off, Torino turned to one of his bevy of attorneys and muttered, "What the hell good does it do us to buy these f**king Congressmen any more? They don't do a f**king thing for us!"

Realizing the error, he turned to the reporter's gallery and said, "Excuse me. I've got to use the head. This sh*t is making me want to puke."

Fluffy Bergstrom Dumps the Big Guy

Less than half an hour after the U.S. Government (along with a couple of Mounties to cover the "jurisdictional issues") repo men picked up the new Banco de Puerco executive jet, Fluffy Bergstrom, the 19 year-old "close associate" of Chairman Vik left him in the chill Winnipeg air.

"I'm going back to my tattoo parlor in Venice Beach. Back where I can have some real fun!"

A seemingly despondent Vik had "no comment" according to his press secretary, Nolan Blogg.

Vik Cranks Up His New Jet

Our chairman, Vik, got a heck of a surprise this morning. The French executive jet he ordered a couple of years ago showed up this morning on our private air strip in Long Island. (Don't tell Cessna or Raytheon that our new jet is French.)

50 large (thats $50 million to those of you in flyover country). Had to be cash on delivery, our credit sucks since last October. Good thing we've got that 75 jumbo ($75 billion to the hicks) from the nice guys down in D.C.

Boy, did that $1.77 mil we spent on lobbyists last quarter pay off or what?

Anyway, we thought for about a millisecond on cancelling the deal but we would have had to pay a penalty. We sure wouldn't want a couple mil of taxpayer money to go for nothing now, would we?

After the jet showed up, Vik took the rest of the day off. He flew up to Winnepeg where his girlfriend can drink at 18.

Come back tomorrow. He might have brought us a good story.

BTW (that's by the way to you flyover hicks) Steve Forbes can shove it for telling all of America that we don't have a clue on the Early Show this morning.